I have big dreams for Actors’ Embassy. I envision a website that serves as the premier resource for actors navigating this business. I see a shared workspace where we can all go to stay productive between auditions, classes and rehearsals, and where we can connect with one another in a collegial way. I envision weekly meet-ups and monthly events that all take place in this same shared space. And all of this is primarily funded by industry sponsors to keep costs minimal for the actors involved.
But over the past few months I’ve come to a realization: sometimes the thing you really want isn’t going to pan out, and you just have to learn to let go and move on.
As much as I love AE and all the assistance we’ve been able to give performers, it will never be as big and wonderful as I want it to be unless I make it my full-time job. And while all of you AE readers and artists are very important to me, I am not ready to devote all of my time to you. I hope you’ll understand.
I’ve decided to share this with all of you for several reasons. First of all, it’s important that you faithful Ambassadors are kept in the loop about AE news since it’s your community. Second of all, I want you to know that my stepping away from the growth of AE does not mean the end of this website. In fact, it means that I will now have more time to devote to what started all of this: the blog. I have been so preoccupied with my attempt to add meaningful programming that I have taken a big step away from writing. I miss it, and I owe it to all of you to return to that focus. And third (and most importantly), I’m sharing this with you because I think it relates to our lives as actors in a big way.
We all work so hard every day to make this career happen. We face constant rejection. We spend a little time each week working to build ourselves back up after being knocked down so that we can continue forward. But some people, after working at this long enough, discover that they are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole…it just isn’t working for them anymore and it doesn’t seem like things will ever turn around. So for now, I want to speak directly to those of you who might be feeling that way.
If you are among the square-peg-round-hole crowd, take a step back for a moment. Close your eyes, breath in, and assess how you feel. Are you feeling completely overwhelmed? Is this career choice making you unhappy? Do you sometimes secretly wish you could just work a stable 9-5 and forget about this pounding the pavement stuff? If so, take some time to think about why you might be feeling that way and honor those feelings.
I don’t mean to encourage anyone to leave this business. But all I can say is that I encounter an awful lot of angry actors- people who constantly complain about every little detail in their professional lives; people who seem like they would be much happier doing something else. They’ve completely forgotten why they got into this business in the first place. They are resentful. But they choose to stick around because- well…maybe because they’ve already been at it this long and feel they can’t give up now.
I started to experience some of that with Actors’ Embassy. It wasn’t fun anymore. It was just stressful. It was taking away my focus from other things that I enjoyed and did well. And when I finally admitted that my heart just wasn’t in it anymore, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I was scared to let go, but now that I have, I realize this doesn’t have to be the end of my Actors’ Embassy dreams. One day I may find that I do want to devote the necessary time and energy to make it what it really could be. But for now, I am so thrilled to at least be able to make this blog the absolute best it can be and really excel at that.
I hope that, if you are someone who might be rethinking the biz but are scared to say it out loud, you will find the courage to acknowledge your feelings rather than suppress them. In doing so, you may find that the career you really want is right there in front of you. You just have to lift that veil of stress and resentment off your eyes to see it clearly.
Thank you to all of you for helping me see the path ahead more clearly. I look forward to going on this new, redefined journey with you.